Have you ever offended someone in conversation unintentionally? Perhaps, you’re telling a story or sharing an observation; then the person you’re speaking with responds in defense. You know you didn’t mean it that way, but now you’re defensive to the fact they’re reacting that way towards you. Maybe you’re feeling attacked for no reason because of it? Do conversations with this person tend to turn out this way, making it difficult to talk to them? It’s possible the person you’re talking to is a defensive person.
When we have conversations with others, we generally feel safe. This allows us to communicate smoothly. Once that safety is shaken, that’s where the defense gets triggered. And once that defense is trigger, it can be difficult to turn off. Some people are more guarded than others, probably due to feeling unsafe or distrust. So their defenses could be easily triggered and more sensitive than your’s.
Because in an ideal world, we wouldn’t want to have defensive conversations (especially unintentional ones), here’s how to keep conversations cool when talking to defensive people.
If the person you are speaking with reacts defensively to your well-meant words, consider these tips when formulating your response:
“DON’T TAKE IT SO PERSONALLY” OR “WHY ARE YOU SO DEFENSIVE”
Definitely try to steer clear of these type of phrases. This will only fuel the person’s reactions and make matters worse for the both of you. Instead, keep in mind this person is misunderstand you, not attacking you. Just apologize for the misunderstanding and tell the person your intentions were meant to help and give information – granted this is true.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHY/HOW THE PERSON INTERPRETED WHAT YOU SAID AS A THREAT
Maybe the person thought you were being critical or judgemental towards them? Or maybe they felt threatened in some way by what you said? Try to understand how it could have been taken the wrong way and acknowledge that. Then explain what you really meant.
CONSIDER IF YOU COULD HAVE EXPRESSED YOURSELF BETTER
There’s a possibility you may owe this person an apology and admit that you didn’t express yourself well. This doesn’t mean you’re wrong or a bad person.
CATCH YOURSELF
Because their defensiveness might catch you off guard. Just remember it’s not an attack. Don’t let it trigger feelings and emotions, making you feel aggressive inside.
SOMETIMES SPACE WORKS
Sometimes, you might be safer giving the other person space. Maybe they aren’t capable of hearing you out because they’re so riled up? Or you need to keep yourself calm. Give the person space, take some breaths, then maybe you both can come back to the conversation level headed.
If you or someone you know are always defensive and triggered easily, please contact Crownview Medical Group to get in touch with a medical professional who can provide you with some advice on how to handle those situations.
Source:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201606/5-tips-easing-person-s-defensiveness
